Healing from Relationship Betrayal Traumas
The first thing that comes to mind to most individuals in relationships when they hear the word “betrayal” is infidelity, however betrayal traumas are much vaster and more nuanced. A betrayal trauma is an injury in the relationship, often resulting from partners not being able to heal, talk through, or come together when an event has happened that has ruptured trust in the relationship and therefore has caused damage to their bond. Relationship betrayals can include, but are not limited to, infidelity, affairs, cheating, lying, hiding, porn use, not showing up or being there when a partner needed you, disclosing personal information about a spouse, gambling, substance use, using finances in a way not agreed upon, leaving or joining a religion or group, choosing something or someone over your spouse, or emotional, verbal, or physical abuse (one time or over longer periods of time). When trust is ruptured, the attachment in the relationship becomes insecure. Suddenly, the answer to the question “Are you there for me, do I matter to you?” changes and doesn’t feel like a resounding yes. The role of therapy is to help both partners have a safe, secure space to be heard, talk through their thoughts, emotions, and experiences in order to sort and better organize the narrative of how they got to this place of injury, what happened from the injury, the processing of it/response to it (aftermath), so that there can be more clarity and certainty about the next right steps forward.
At Love Story Therapy, as Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists, our goal when working with a couple suffering from a betrayal trauma is to first go into triage mode - assess the wound, the damage, and help stop the bleeding out. We are in a crisis intervention mode often when we initially begin work with a couple that has experienced a recent injury. We do not wait until things are more stable and calmer to begin our interventions. Our initial work is getting a surface level overview of what has happened, working on building an alliance and trust with our clients in the room, and setting goals and expectations for therapy. We do not expect our clients to trust each other when they come into therapy following a betrayal trauma. The trust was broken and they have to start from square one in many ways again. BUT we do talk about the importance of trusting the process of therapy and asking our clients to do that.
What does it mean to trust the process? Trusting the process of therapy is putting faith in your therapist and the model they are using (at Love Story Therapy we use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy which has the most evidence-based success with couples), knowing that they are the guide with the map, walking with you and leading you through steps to a place where things will be more clear, organized and result in a more secure platform from which to make decisions about your future. Trusting the process does not mean you or your therapist know whether your marriage or relationship can be saved. It also does not mean that there is a guarantee that you and your partner will stay together, or that you and your partner will trust one another at the end of it. That is for you and your partner to decide. However, your therapist will lead you along the path and through the steps so that you will have those answers in the end and understand them with much more depth. We know when a messy damaged area is organized, cleared out and light is brought into it, it makes it much easier to see and decide what the healthiest path forward is from there.
When starting therapy, we let our clients know that it is very normal to feel like it gets worse before it gets better. Progress is not typically a straight upwards trajectory - it is more like a forward moving spiral hopefully moving in the direction of your goals and health, but there are definitely ups and downs to be expected along the way. I think most people have more realistic expectations when healing from a physical injury or trauma, however we somehow downplay the amount of work, discomfort, time, pain, treatment that may be needed to heal an emotional or relational injury. The processes are very similar, in fact. Also, while we can tell you the average couple needs 12-20 sessions in EFT to experience significant change and progress, every couple is different and need more or less time in each of the stages. We encourage clients to have compassion for themselves in this process and not stick so much to timelines and not judge themselves if it is taking longer than they think it should take to get better.
Okay, so you’re thinking about getting started…Taking the first step to schedule a therapy session and begin couples therapy is huge! It is not easy and can be scary, create doubts, and often one partner would rather not come in and the other partner is anxious to get help. All of this is normal! Hopefully knowing a little bit about the process and what to expect will help it be a more comfortable process for you both. And we think you are so brave for reaching out.
What to expect when coming to therapy following a relationship trauma:
The 3 Stages of EFT
Stage One: De-Escalation and Assessment. Your first meeting will be both members of the couple and the therapist. Your therapist will walk through what is bringing you in, get an initial idea of the betrayal trauma, its impact, what is happening now, what you have done to address it so far, and your initial goals for therapy. The main goal of your therapist initially is to help you and your partner feel as safe and comfortable as possible being open and honest about your problems and struggles and to create and hold a space for that. Your therapist will also assess safety and support, noting the importance of having individual support, coping skills, and resources for each of you as well as safety emotionally and physically as you work through these issues.
After that first session, your therapist will want to meet individually with each of you for a session to further explore your narrative, experience, thoughts, emotions, needs, as well as to learn about your past relationship history, and family of origin history in order to better understand you and where you are coming from when seeing you as a couple. Being honest and open is crucial in therapy and in couples therapy to address betrayal traumas. Your therapist cannot read minds, and they cannot help you heal and learn if you are withholding important information or lying. Remember, it can be hard to speak the truth and confront initially, but this is part of the process and your therapist’s job and legal/ethical obligation is to keep things confidential and not share your information with anyone else (except if you are a danger to yourself or others).
In stage one, your therapist will also explore and help map out the negative cycle of thoughts, feelings, actions within (each partner) and between (in the relationship), and how this is a dynamic process between the two partners. Your therapist will also explore the history of the cycle, how it has changed since the betrayal trauma, and what the baseline/pre-existing dynamic was and how that may have led to or be connected to the relationship trauma. It’s like gathering all the pieces of a puzzle and starting to put it together, one part at a time. When we see it all put together, it reframes and changes how we see it and helps us understand it better – our partner, ourselves and the relationship dynamic.
Stage two: Restructuring. This is the stage where the focus is on growth and solutions, creating new positive patterns of interaction that result in more security and closeness. In the first stage of therapy, the therapist is the safe, secure base for partners to share with, express emotions, fears, concerns, thoughts, needs to. In the second stage of therapy, the couple understands their relationship and the cycle they get into, the impact of the betrayal, and partners are able to share, express emotions and unmet needs to the other partner, and the partner can respond in a way that promotes a secure attachment and base. Basically, we want you each to have the skills to share and be heard as well as listen and understand your partner as we process through the relationship and betrayal trauma. When we can talk about something scary, painful, hurtful and feel held, safe, have space to do so and receive empathy and support, it changes things. This is part of what makes the therapy space so sacred and powerful.
Once partners are able to understand, reflect, and organize, they can usually decide for themselves if they would like to stay together, work on continued healing and building back trust in the relationship, or if they cannot trust again and if the healthiest path forward may be uncoupling or divorce. Either way, there is closure and understanding on a deeper level, which can promote healthier relationship patterns with self and others in the future.
Stage three: Consolidation. The goal here is to solidify insights, new interactional patterns, knowledge and skills gained, so that you can access and apply them at home, outside or therapy in your relationship. We don’t typically spend a lot of time on this stage in therapy and it is more like tying the bow at the end and sending you off to maintain progress on your own, coming in on an as needed basis.
** These are the general steps if you and your partner both agree to attend therapy. If only one of you is coming in, that is okay also, but it will look a little bit different and we will focus on your own insight and work, as well as exploring the impact of your behaviors, actions, role in relationship and patterns as well as your emotions, hurts, wounds and needs in order to promote healing and growth for you.
Here at Love Story Therapy, we believe that individual therapy and couples therapy is an incredible investment in yourself, your relationship and your future. Changes made in your relationship with yourself or others can result not just in healthier interactions in those relationships, but in generations to come as you are modeling a different way of relating and being. We are relational beings wired for connection, and being nurtured and loved is our first and primal instinct as humans. We are here to help and know relationships are hard sometimes! The rest of your story is yet to be written. Feel free to reach out by phone, email, website – we would love to help you start your journey!