Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships
At Love Story Therapy, we believe that understanding the way you love—and the way you’ve learned to feel safe in connection—is one of the most powerful steps you can take toward healing and intimacy. One of the frameworks we often use with individuals and couples is attachment theory, which helps us make sense of how we relate to others, especially in emotionally close relationships.
Attachment styles are not personality types or life sentences. They’re adaptations—often unconscious ones—that developed early in life based on how we experienced safety, comfort, and connection with our caregivers. These styles can influence how we communicate, how we handle conflict, and how secure we feel in love.
Let’s walk through the four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They trust that others will be there for them, and they feel confident offering that same support in return. They’re able to communicate needs clearly, set healthy boundaries, and repair after conflict.
If you grew up with consistent emotional attunement and care, you may have internalized the message: "I’m safe. Others can be trusted. My needs matter."
But even if this wasn’t your early experience, the good news is: secure attachment can be cultivated later in life. We call this "earned security"—and it’s something we help our clients work toward every day.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment tends to develop when emotional connection felt inconsistent. You may have learned that closeness is unpredictable, and so you’ve developed a deep need for reassurance. People with this style often fear abandonment and may become hyper-attuned to signs of distance or disconnection.
This can sound like:
“Why didn’t they text back?”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“I just need to know we’re okay.”
You’re not needy. You’re trying to protect the connection. Therapy can help bring clarity to these patterns and build the inner security you may not have had early on.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment often forms when emotional needs were not consistently met, or when vulnerability wasn’t safe. Over time, people with this pattern may learn to rely heavily on themselves and keep others at arm’s length.
You might value independence and feel uncomfortable with emotional dependence, even if a part of you longs for closeness. Vulnerability can feel exposing, or even dangerous.
You may think:
“I’m better off handling things on my own.”
“Needing people feels weak.”
“I don’t want to depend on anyone.”
This style isn’t about not caring—it’s about having learned to stay safe through distance. In therapy, we work gently to build trust and open space for intimacy without overwhelm.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
This is often the most complex and painful attachment style. It carries elements of both anxious and avoidant styles, and can feel like an inner push-pull: “Come close… but not too close.”
Often rooted in trauma or early relationships that were both a source of comfort and fear, fearful-avoidant attachment may involve difficulty trusting others, as well as difficulty trusting oneself.
Common inner experiences:
“I want love, but I’m scared I’ll get hurt.”
“When people get close, I panic.”
“I never know what’s going to happen in relationships.”
This is not a flaw in who you are—it’s an imprint from what you survived. With skilled, compassionate support, these patterns can be healed.
You Can Change Your Attachment Style
The beautiful truth is that attachment styles are not fixed. They’re learned responses, which means they can be unlearned or reshaped. Our nervous systems are capable of change, especially within the context of safe, consistent, and attuned relationships.
At Love Story Therapy, our therapists are licensed, trauma-informed, and deeply experienced in helping individuals and couples understand their attachment styles. We work collaboratively and compassionately to help you:
Identify your attachment patterns
Understand where they come from
Build new ways of connecting that feel safe, secure, and authentic
Whether you’re navigating dating, long-term partnership, breakups, or healing childhood wounds, we’re here to help you create the love story you truly deserve.
Ready to Begin?
You’re not broken. You’re patterned—and patterns can change.
If you're curious about your own attachment style or want support in building more secure, connected relationships, we’d be honored to walk alongside you.
Visit us at lovestorytherapy.com to schedule a session with one of our trained, licensed therapists. We’re here when you’re ready.