the surprising gifts of struggles
Life would be so much better without the struggles…but would it? Growing up as a millennial, I remember hearing the cynical, nihilistic saying “Life sucks and then you die.” As harsh and depressing as that sounds, it seems that more recently we are facing an issue on the other side of that same coin - that is, when life’s too easy, you may emotionally wither and die. Bear with me as I walk though this thought process.
In the modern age of technology, instant gratification and convenience, we have removed many obstacles, annoying tasks, and barriers to make life simpler, faster and easier for humans; however, there is a cost. Evolutionary psychology and science teaches us that growth and adaptation often occur in a species and within a person in response to a hardship or obstacle (not in the absence of), for survival. So what happens when we remove so many obstacles?
In theory, it seems so nice to think of food and then get it instantly delivered hot and ready to your door. Or, to have an essay question for a school assignment and be able to use AI to help you answer it rather than spending a lot of time, mental effort to find the answer and feeling some frustration in the process of trying to solve or analyze the issue.
In reality, the process of expending energy, putting effort into something and sometimes experiencing minor or major setbacks, failure, disappointment while working towards a goal or solving a problem, tends to build up frustration and disappointment tolerance in people – AKA resilience and grit. That process (with the easy and hard) make the end result or solution more rewarding and enjoyable. If it all feels too attainable, there is something that may go missing.
It’s like being on vacation all day every day. Then it’s no longer a special time, a break from the busyness and routine of everyday life, it is the norm. As humans, when we grow used to, accustomed to something, we may grow bored or ambivalent and may not experience the same pleasure, gratitude, enjoyment of the good thing itself. Humans thrive on novelty to some extent to maintain interest, curiosity, motivation and the lesson can apply to this topic.
Parenting brings out a lot of this issue. One of the generational swings we have seen from the Boomers/Gen X generations to the Millennial and Gen Z, is less emotional involvement to more emotional involvement in parenting. More hands off parenting promoting independence to a more helicopter parenting approach. While there are pros and cons to both of these approaches, many of the social psychologists and thinkers are now seeing that we may be producing a younger generation that is afraid to fail, make a mistake. A generation without frustration and disappointment tolerance or the grit it takes to make things happen. Young people that think if something is hard the they must be doing it wrong. This may come from parents, albeit with good intentions, stepping in at any moment of distress and removing the obstacle, solving the problem, or providing a distraction to the problem for their child. Important to note that I think making a safe space for a young person to talk about and express thoughts, feelings, and the self is healthy, being to quick to fix problems for a young person makes them lose/lack confidence in themselves, which is key to launching successfully into a life without the parents as the center/base of it as adults.
To get a little poetic, I don’t think one can truly know love without the fear of loss, know joy without experiencing pain, know connection without having felt alone, know the feeling of accomplishment without experiencing frustration/failure. Muscles wither away without resistance and use. Motor vehicles need to hit the road (or air) in order to keep their engines running smoothly. Relationships have to go through hard times in order to build the depth of trust that only comes after having been through something hard and making it to the other side. Diamonds are products of extreme heat, pressure and even volcanic disruptions. Okay friends, by no means do I want to make my life or others lives hard, but there may be a quiet, surprising gift that we receive in the harder moments and experiences of life.
At Love Story Therapy, we are here for your easy and your hard, and hope to be your guide in making both of those important and valuable parts of your love story, your life story. In the beginning of individual or couples therapy, I often remind my clients that they are doing brave, courageous work that is possibly harder in the short run, but makes things easier, better in the long run. Cheers to a year of building grit and finding meaning and resilience in the tough moments, and soaking up, cherishing the light, lovely, and joyous ones.